Today I want to discuss the story of a friend. This friend is very close to me and her story is a reminder of how short our lives are:
So the news the you have been waiting for is here; that thin second line indicating a positive result on the pregnancy test, the moment the rest of your life is about to change. A new life will In Sha Allah be entering into your life. Congratulations! Allah has blessed you with carrying a child In Sha Allah. You are filled with all different emotions, happiness and joy, fear of the unknown, wondering if you'll be able to cope. At different points of your life you may even think of the unthinkable, do I even want this child?
Then if your blessed you sail through nine months of pregnancy without any difficulty. If Allah wishes to test you you may suffer various ailments, all of which will make you appreciate your health and that glass of water you once took for granted, you may now wish you could give up your wealth just to be able to drink that glass of ice cold fresh rehydrating water, instead you decide to pack a bottle into your hospital bag as your treat for having a baby.
Then you may go off your once favourite foods, for those who know me know that I am a chocolate addict..lol well it is delicious after all. Subhanallah during pregnancy all the things I used to love seemed to suddenly be the worse thing on the planet. Chocolate oh no thank you. Coffee you said? where is the nearest toilet? Ice lollies....yummy, coke oh yes please but with half a bucket of ice please, no I'm not about to give birth on your plane I'm only 22 weeks just give me some ICE for God's sake. Salt and vinegar crisps yes please, oh no wait istigfurallah yuck! please can I have ready salted, u know what, forget it I suddenly really don't like crisps.
You start to plan what maternity clothes you'll buy what style are you planning on wearing. Do you want to show off your bump or cloak it and surprise people with a baby at the end of the 9 months. That's always fun to see peoples faces...haha. first week you get funny looks but by the second week, people click that something is a bit more permanent...lol.
People will suddenly be interested in every detail, was it planned? I bet you want a boy/girl. How about twin boys then you will increase your husbands name. Your husband and your mother in law will be happy. The world will not look down on you for only having girls. Your girls will no longer have to share the family's inheritance. A son someone who will look after you and his sisters in old age. The fact that his wife may steal him away we won't think about that now.
One day your life is turned around, something happens, you start to realise that what is happening isn't right. You've not felt right, you've been pregnant before and it was never like this. Morning sickness ok even all day sickness, but I feel like i've been hit by a bus, I feel so dizzy, and what is happening to me. People start giving you stupid advice to make you feel better I bet if your pregnancy is different it has to be a boy, because so and so had those symptoms and it was a boy. As if they suddenly have knowledge of the unseen. I'm sure people mean well.
So you arrange an emergency scan only to be told "I'm sorry dear but its not good news". It looks like your baby either never developed or it died early on and your signs that you are showing is your body getting ready to get rid of your baby. So you get dressed wait for your report and go back to report to the midwife. You have to sit there pretending you have no clue what the scan said, what is meant to happen next, be told by the "medical team" what the ideal method of evacuating your unborn child, with what feels to be no concern about how you feel. You want me to wait another week feeling like this? Yes because its illegal to do anything now. But there is no baby! Nothing I'm not a naive teenager that is confused I couldn't have made up 6 weeks of morning sickness! The baby is not coming back. Oh Allah please forgive me I know you are capable of anything but you wouldn't tease me. If you wanted me to have this child you would make it disappear and then reappear.
We start trying to understand the Fiqh, since this is a baby with no soul its not nafas, it's not menstruation either because something was there. It's istihadah! Allah swt wants to keep you connected to Him during this time, He wants you to know that it is from Him all good and only He will get you through this. You seek refuge in salat and patience and He advised.
Then you over hear the doctors discuss your case another number in the long book failed pregnancies another number to add to the millions already. But I've had enough I cry, morning sickness and a baby I understand but feeling this ill and nothing to show at the end of it. To top it off I now have to go back and tell all the people I have lost the baby. I've spent 6 weeks being antisocial, not eating at peoples houses looking like I am stuck up, waiting to hear peoples response most disappointment pity, many care, but some that want to throw every bad word or complaint you ever made. Anything you do say can and will be used in evidence against you. You suddenly become the most evil person in front of Allah in peoples eyes. If you hadn't considered getting rid of it, if you hadn't complained about the sickness. You clearly could not have coped if you had the baby so Allah took it away. Next time you have to be more organised more grateful to Allah swt. You now not only have your own negative thoughts in your head but those comments that are only hurtful and of no benefit at this time.
Really? If the words I utter in a moment of despair are going to come down with such a harsh punishment, I may as well give up now, because my destination is surely Hell Fire, Allah will soon test me with my children who are alive, and with everything I have because by complaining and not being super organised and tidy, and haven't been able to bring up the most perfect children, What is the point of trying?
Inside you for what you thought was 11 weeks down the line of a beautiful healthy pious child was nothing but a lump of flesh that reacted badly with your body, weakened you, and put you through one of the hardest trials known to human beings. Being tested with your child. Now I understand that loosing a child in the first few weeks of pregnancy is nothing like the pain of loosing one further down the line having to give birth to a dead child is one of my worse nightmares, and may Allah Swt never test me further than this with my children. I truly believe that if this continued there must have been something bad with it. Either the child wasn't healthy or would have caused me problems or have hurt my health further.
You have a week of waiting, to see if your body rejects the baby itself or whether you need to undergo treatment, the longer you wait the harder the feeling, the greater the risks to your health.
A lump of flesh that creates after pains greater than that after delivery, Subhanallah. Oh Allah grant my pain as an eraser of my sins, and a means of getting closer to You.
The positives that have come out of this pregnancy are numerous.
1) Reminded me the blessing of health,
2) The blessing of my beautiful healthy children and may Allah swt protect them and grant me the ability to be the best mother I can be to them.
3)It brought back memories of the last 9 months that I could not drink a glass of water and how blessed we are to be able to drink fresh water from the tap.
4) the blessing and positive reminders are plenty probably far more than my mind can understand.
5) To learn who is a positive influence in my life and who is a negative influence.
Allah swt is such a mericiful Lord:
Narrated 'Aisha: (the wife of the Prophet) Allah's Apostle said, "No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even though it were the prick he receives from a thorn."
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "The example of a believer is that of a fresh tender plant; from whatever direction the wind comes, it bends it, but when the wind becomes quiet, it becomes straight again. Similarly, a believer is afflicted with calamities (but he remains patient till Allah removes his difficulties.) And an impious wicked person is like a pine tree which keeps hard and straight till Allah cuts (breaks) it down when He wishes." (See Hadith No. 558, Vol. 9.)
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials."
All the above are Sahih Bukhari,
None of them mention a calamity that is from Allah is a punishment?
إِنَّا للهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ
Verily we belong to Allah and to Allah we will return.
When a few close friends told me this. It took me a while to understand this. Not the ayat I understand everything belongs to Allah, but they told me there was nothing? How do you grieve nothing? But then it clicked. Everything is for Allah even the hope and plans we have belong to Allah who is the only One who can grant us things. We belong to Allah, so surely even this lump of flesh that was promised was never mine to begin with. In Order to achieve true reward we must be patient at the time of calamity, But we also have to believe that Allah swt knows what is right for us and that Allah swt will reward us that this pain will have its reward only from Allah, Allah is the best of planners.
One thing this has taught me is that even the people closest to you will hurt you. They will always remember the bad that has happened they will always remind of you of what things you said.
Only complain to Allah and have friends that will remind you of Allah. You need people who lift you in life not people who will put you down when you're already down.
Alhamdullah for everything.
Oh Allah allow me to be continually grateful for the blessings You have bestowed upon me. Grant me a clean and kind tongue and do not allow me to hurt others with it.
